Bones

TW: body image, implications of e.d.

You have finally achieved what you deemed to be your perfect shell

and so you admire your shape every night in the mirror

every time you shower

every time you take your clothes off

and you believe that it's enough

Except, the more you look at it

every little curve

every little dimple

every little detail

starts becoming Too Much

And you start believing it's not yet enough

on the contrary, it is all Too Much

And so you start once again

Eating less

Curting carbs

Hating sweets

(but oh how you love chocolate)

And stressing out about your tummy

because today it looks a little bigger than yesterday

You starve yourself

You refuse to eat

because even when you do, you feel sick

you feel you have betrayed your body

and so you make yourself sick, because you can't bear feeling full

But the truth is

you will never feel enough

you will never feel not too much

no matter how little space you take

no matter how many of your bones you see

And you are betraying your body

by making it sick

Going after an unattainable dream

Because there will always be someone

who takes up less space than you

who has more visible bones than you

With thinner legs, and arms, and waist

And you will get tired of

cutting off pieces of yourself

butchering your body for the sake of

taking up less space

And deep inside you will long to be free

And take up the space you deserve

And feel the energy flow in you

And yet, you won't allow yourself to it

because you are so close

you are oh, so very close

to seeing those bones...