(In Which You Tear Down the Pedestal Only to Find Love Underneath)
she does not call for three weeks and when your world crumbles and she's dying her hair and can't answer the phone you look at the barren Christmas tree at the other side of the room and think of that John Green quote about best friends being always there like the floor is and you try to wish yourself into being the love of your life.
~
1. it's November or maybe December or February but that doesn't matter really. what matters is that you are fifteen and this is the moment. you are walking around the school yard with the girls you are too scared and petty and self-righteous to call friends and they say somethings but it doesn't matter because she is there and so are her lips. years later, when you are sworn best friends you'll describe this as the almost fictional moment when you knew you had just met the love of your life. but for now all you know is that her lips are painted the most bright defiant red and there are chains in her shoes and she is the most beautiful girl you have ever seen.
2. you sit in her living room floor and ask truth questions about kissing girls and loving them too and the third more conservative friend you always drag along barely speaks, but she does. you steal sips of her parents' scotch and say "yes." "of course." "me too." and you giggle because you are schoolgirls and this feels like the normal teenage experience you always wanted to have. it's years later that you realize people can be straight and mean and that not every house feels like home when you're tipsy.
3. the first time you come out in real life you are holding her hand. you joke about being a couple and nobody believes you. you tell her you love her all the time. you never stop complimenting her. it isn't romantic and maybe it is. it doesn't matter.
4. you have a parabatai ceremony on the side of the street on a weekday and it's raining as you draw the rune on each other's shoulders, swearing to be something you've only read about in books and seen on tv and you worry you'll regret it, or she will, or that this is just loneliness and fear and only having one good friend and you promise you'll get it tattoed the moment you turn eighteen.
5. you take a picture together every day. you walk her home after school. you go to a bar with your parents wearing an AC/DC shirt you bought from h&m and trace words on her back and half the times you look at her you want to kiss her.
6. you don't, obviously.
7. you are eighteen when you hug for the first time. you see each other less often like everyone bet you would. you make plans to grow old and open a queer-friendly coffeeshop called "The Great White Swallow". she's still the first person you call.
8. she chainsmokes seven cigarettes in your balcony and tells you she is finally over you. it's the most queer thing she has ever done. you watch Legally Blonde and you tell her you were probably in love with her too. that it hurts to not do something about it now when you look at her. you sleep centimeters away from each other that night. in the morning you make pancakes and disgusted faces at her when she adds too much peanut butter.
9. she isn't there.
10. you are sitting on your bed in an airbnb in Rome during your first trip together and you are crying. earlier that day you grumbled at her about plastic cups and single-use water bottles and not showing up to volunteer meetings and "it's as if you don't even care about anything anymore". now, you are eating chips and scrolling through your instagram feed and you are terrified about living with what might be your gender identity. when you tell her, she says "of course i believe you. it's you. why would i even be surprised."
-cgi.
~
1. it's November or maybe December or February but that doesn't matter really. what matters is that you are fifteen and this is the moment. you are walking around the school yard with the girls you are too scared and petty and self-righteous to call friends and they say somethings but it doesn't matter because she is there and so are her lips. years later, when you are sworn best friends you'll describe this as the almost fictional moment when you knew you had just met the love of your life. but for now all you know is that her lips are painted the most bright defiant red and there are chains in her shoes and she is the most beautiful girl you have ever seen.
2. you sit in her living room floor and ask truth questions about kissing girls and loving them too and the third more conservative friend you always drag along barely speaks, but she does. you steal sips of her parents' scotch and say "yes." "of course." "me too." and you giggle because you are schoolgirls and this feels like the normal teenage experience you always wanted to have. it's years later that you realize people can be straight and mean and that not every house feels like home when you're tipsy.
3. the first time you come out in real life you are holding her hand. you joke about being a couple and nobody believes you. you tell her you love her all the time. you never stop complimenting her. it isn't romantic and maybe it is. it doesn't matter.
4. you have a parabatai ceremony on the side of the street on a weekday and it's raining as you draw the rune on each other's shoulders, swearing to be something you've only read about in books and seen on tv and you worry you'll regret it, or she will, or that this is just loneliness and fear and only having one good friend and you promise you'll get it tattoed the moment you turn eighteen.
5. you take a picture together every day. you walk her home after school. you go to a bar with your parents wearing an AC/DC shirt you bought from h&m and trace words on her back and half the times you look at her you want to kiss her.
6. you don't, obviously.
7. you are eighteen when you hug for the first time. you see each other less often like everyone bet you would. you make plans to grow old and open a queer-friendly coffeeshop called "The Great White Swallow". she's still the first person you call.
8. she chainsmokes seven cigarettes in your balcony and tells you she is finally over you. it's the most queer thing she has ever done. you watch Legally Blonde and you tell her you were probably in love with her too. that it hurts to not do something about it now when you look at her. you sleep centimeters away from each other that night. in the morning you make pancakes and disgusted faces at her when she adds too much peanut butter.
9. she isn't there.
10. you are sitting on your bed in an airbnb in Rome during your first trip together and you are crying. earlier that day you grumbled at her about plastic cups and single-use water bottles and not showing up to volunteer meetings and "it's as if you don't even care about anything anymore". now, you are eating chips and scrolling through your instagram feed and you are terrified about living with what might be your gender identity. when you tell her, she says "of course i believe you. it's you. why would i even be surprised."
-cgi.
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